Got hired on as an academic advisor. The benefits and retirement are great, but I feel like I'm giving up a lot to settle down. I always had grand plans of travel and I feel like those are going by the wayside as I plan for my future.
This month hasn't been a good one. I've been plagued by nightmares of losing people. Let me clarify, up until about a week ago, this month was fine, but then I started getting the pity texts and people started smothering me like I'm some sort of fire that will burn out of control, but only in the month of September.
I don't trust people. Again, let me clarify. I don't trust people that are close to me, the people I should have the most faith and feel the most secure around. I find myself double checking the things they tell me, nit-picking through stories. I don't expect them to lie to me, to betray me, but I still find myself fascinated by the possibility. Obsessed with the idea.
I miss the past. Not the past as in the actual time or events that happened, but the ideals from the past. I miss thinking things were going to be alright, that things "are just going to get better from here".
I don't understand why I'm never content. I have all the things I previously desired, a stable job, a loving girlfriend, a house of my own, close friends, and still I find myself looking for the greener grass.
I just feel so violent when I get like this.
