I feel great!

Just as the title says, I feel amazing today! Got a great night's sleep, woke up to a very pleasant surprise, had a great breakfast, and just feel good overall.

Going to try to keep this feeling rocking!

Instability

By the title of this post, you'd think things in my life are going downhill, but it's quite the opposite. I'm still working in a job that I enjoy, I'm thinking about moving in with my girlfriend soon, finances are good, ect. ect.

The reason I named this post what I did is because of my moods. I've been reading through previous posts and noticing that I'm extremely unstable. My moods fluctuate so quickly that it's scary.

I can't focus. I'll write another time.

Growing Roots

Got hired on as an academic advisor. The benefits and retirement are great, but I feel like I'm giving up a lot to settle down. I always had grand plans of travel and I feel like those are going by the wayside as I plan for my future.

This month hasn't been a good one. I've been plagued by nightmares of losing people. Let me clarify, up until about a week ago, this month was fine, but then I started getting the pity texts and people started smothering me like I'm some sort of fire that will burn out of control, but only in the month of September.

I don't trust people. Again, let me clarify. I don't trust people that are close to me, the people I should have the most faith and feel the most secure around. I find myself double checking the things they tell me, nit-picking through stories. I don't expect them to lie to me, to betray me, but I still find myself fascinated by the possibility. Obsessed with the idea.

I miss the past. Not the past as in the actual time or events that happened, but the ideals from the past. I miss thinking things were going to be alright, that things "are just going to get better from here".

I don't understand why I'm never content. I have all the things I previously desired, a stable job, a loving girlfriend, a house of my own, close friends, and still I find myself looking for the greener grass.

I just feel so violent when I get like this.

My Self Destructive Spiral

Went on a bender last night. Drank and took a bunch of pain pills. Not sure why I did it. I think I just wanted something different. Something immediate and out of the ordinary. Ended up not falling asleep until about 3am.

Had nightmares of cheating on my girlfriend.

My ex also mentioned that I am seriously the worst person she has ever met. I don't even want to get into why that is. Makes me a little sad that there is so much animosity there though.

Haven't had much of an appetite today. Probably due to all the crap I took last night. My teeth hurt, which tells me I drank waaaay too much. Going to not drink for a while now, but we will see how long this actually lasts.

Flying up to Reno. Extremely nervous about the flight.

Through Thick and Thin

Well it's 2015 now and things have stabilized quite a bit, mostly in a good way, but of course I'm going to focus on the bad here to get it out of my system.

My ex hates me more than ever before. Dropped off a "birthday card" for me saying that she had planned on writing a bunch of hateful things to me, but instead won't be the angry one and will just show that the card is from an observatory we had planned on going to view the star she had gotten for my brother. My first response was anger, of course. How dare she be so rude? But, after like 10 minutes, it turned to sadness. I fucked up her life. Of course she's going to lash out at me. I built her up and tore her down several times. I was a complete and utter asshole.

I'm not sure what it was about her that brought out that side of me. Perhaps it was the intensity of the passion I felt for her. Perhaps it was the amount of testosterone I felt coursing through me when she was around. Or perhaps it was just the way we treated each other on a day to day basis that brought out the complete douche in me. I look back and regret some of the things that were said and done, but I'm trying to move forward now. I don't want to linger in the past any longer.

I hope she manages to heal and be happy as well.

On the home and family front things have been chaotic. My Nana has been in and out of the hospital several times recently. I was trying to stay positive, but when I went to visit her, it hit me hard. While writing about my ex brought clarity and relief, writing about this topic only brings sorrow so I'm going to move on.

T's family issues aren't looking good either. We might be going to visit them soon.

I feel the need for a solid 3-day vacation where nothing is required of me except for relaxation and recuperation. Hopefully things get better from here.

Slow Cooking

It's a sweltering 87 degrees in the office today. Dress clothing and heat do not mix very well. I'm deeply considering going outside to cool down.

Life has been strange lately. Lots of little oddities have been occurring, not sure how to take them.

I'm hungry.

I think I'll visit my brother's bench and grab a meal, maybe a coffee.

Tangled Webs

Oh the tangled webs we weave.

So the new person I was going to go have lunch with.... turns out to be a good friend's little sister. Have to love how small of a world it is sometimes.

Think I might separate myself from some people for a little time and focus on me. We will see how well that works considering how addicted to company I am, but I'm going to try at least.